How I See Myself

“To one’s enemies: “I hate myself more than you ever could.”
― Alain de Botton

You have girls these days, Obsessed with posting photos of themselves on Facebook, lapping up the attention that young boys give them, proudly being the envy of all their friends. Spending hours looking in the mirror, Snapchatting people photos of their face obnoxiously covering what could have been an amazing photo. Confident and friendly, they love themselves, or perhaps they only love their mask, but either way this is what society see’s and expects from these girls.

Then you have me, I hate myself. To the point I may loath myself from time to time. I won’t stare in the mirror, I hate the face that looks back. I won’t always Snapchat photo’s of myself, because I would hate for people to see how ugly I am. I do not Facebook photos of myself and I hate cameras. I am not confident, I am constantly comparing myself to others.

I am short and stupid looking, with puffy wavy hair which not even my friends like. Dull uninteresting eyes and a body which I feel sorry that people have to look at.

I have day’s where I just want to curl up and cry, they are all so much prettier, smarter, more confident than I will ever be.

It was one of those days today, I spent at least half of my day in tears, hiding away at the pool area where no one will find me.

No one needs to see how much I hate myself, no one needs to bare witness to that. So I will hide away and cry my tears, I will force myself to look in the mirror, even if i wish to break it.

I will put on a smile and endure the insults of that day, I will fake it all.

Because you have to take it one step at a time, if you ever want to see the next day.

Taking On Others Sadness

“for there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one’s own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.”
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

People come to me, people on group chats, strangers, friends, close friends and they tell me their sad stories, they get it off their chests and i try my hardest to take away the pain they feel.

It takes allot of energy though, but I feel that I need to help them. Like I have too, I care for people too much  and when I take away their pain I begin to carry the burden myself. The more I know they person the harder the burden is.

I’m not quite sure why i’m writing this, to the normal eye this probably makes zero sense, but I am in a trance right now, I just took on two other great friends sad tales. No matter how small the issue is I take it on.

It is not healthy. I shouldn’t do it. But I do. And I can’t stop it.

Looking Back On 2013

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”
― Neil Gaiman

So the big day has passed us, today we say goodbye to 2013 and embrace the new challenges and the fresh start of 2014.

Most of us will end up cleaning out our rooms, throwing away old memories to make way for new ones, cleaning up ourselves and making new goals and tasks for the year to come.

For me, 2013 was a bunch of up and down times, looking back I am surprised I came out the way I have, things could have gotten messy.

Things that happened to me in 2013:

• I dated and left Brandon (That was messy)
• The love of my life Jeff came back
• I started seeking help for my mental issues
• I was accepted for my SAT in Law and will start my study once school starts up
• I have lost and gained friends
• Joshiebear (enough said)

Today will be the day where I clear out my closet for the coming of this year. Best wishes to you all!

Thoughts And Feelings On Suicide And Self Harm

“Hush little baby, Dont you cry, Dont cut your arms, Dont say goodbye. Put down that razor, Put down that light, It maybe hard but, You’ll win this fight.”
― Emily Giffin

Ok so a very, very dark topic for a first post, but it is something I have wanted to get off my mind for quite a while now. I find myself sitting down and thinking about it more and more in these most recent days, no, not doing it myself. Just the act in general, I have a passion for finding out what makes a person tick, what makes them who they are and what pushes them to such lengths that they would willingly give up their own life to be free.

I wish, I truly do, that on one hand I could count all of the people I have found out are suicidal, self harm on a regular bases or my friends I have stopped from leaving this world. Sadly i’d need more than three separate hands to count them all up, even then I am probably missing a few.

Two weeks ago was a big one for me, a great friend of mine, for reasons unknown and for reasons I will most likely never know, came to me in hysterics, Skyping me from America, he held a knife vertical to his wrist, “I can’t do it anymore.” Was the first thing he had said to me.

I had no idea what to do, dealing with things like this had never been natural, but I knew if i freaked out he would as well. So by gathering up all my courage, I talked him out of it, he put the knife back in the kitchen and went to bed.

No one wants to die, no matter how hard they wish they were dead. No one wishes to be hurt or to hurt themselves, even if they believe they deserve it.

Young girl from my school, shitty home life, uses the razor to get rid of the pain. An eye for an eye I guess. I can’t stop her, but I can be there for her, each time she cries or needs someone to listen to her, at least I can do that. You don’t force the razor away, you help them lower it and then, throw it away.