Birthday!

So yesterday was my 16th birthday (bloody finally), best thing about my 16th? I get to take me test soon n.n, bad thing? School goes back on Tuesday.

The day started off great with a wake up call from Jeff, despite the fact I had slept 4 hours max that night I was very happy after the call. I then got a chance to open up all the gifts (still waiting on two) but my favorite by far is the charm bracelet my parents got me with a 16th birthday charm on it (all i need now it to fill it up with more charms), it is silver and one of the most beautiful pieces i own n.n.

I sold a few clothes as well having people pick up their items throughout the day. Then the bomb dropped, few people were mucking up on the sell site including one of the girls that wanted to buy from me, because of the events i told the lady i was not going to sell her the clothes, that ended in hateful comments which caused tears YAY >.<

But besides that my birthday was alright, looking forward to my party next weekend though 😀

Writing Request

Yep and I know she was expecting a story, well i’m sorry I don’t write lesbian romance enough to be good at it.

Anyway, darling here is the snippet…maybe i’ll extend it…if I feel nice….

“I could feel it, the moment she walked into the room, my heart stopped and skipped a beat, my breath became shallow and my stomach filled with butterflies. I turned towards the door, desperate to find who was responsible for starting these foreign feelings within me. Though, at that point in time, I wasn’t looking for a SHE much rather a HE, because that is what society expects of the perfect girl, to date a boy which is found…acceptable.

So imagine my shock when I turn to find the shy new girl standing at my classroom doorway…..”

Yes I know it isn’t the best…I’ll work on it.

I Am So Going To Pass This Test

OK so in 15 days I will be 16 (yep legally allowed to go out and have sex), which instantly gives me certain rights that I have been waiting for. Such as the ability to move out (thank god), certain governmental benefits and most importantly more freedom such as the ability to get my Learner’s Licence. 

I have been studying and taking the online test for my Learners Licence for a month and a bit now, and I feel ready as hell for this test! The rules have become easy and I have had lots of my older friends randomly quizzing me, helping me to remember certain things I would have otherwise forgotten. 

So from the 28th January onward I will be trying for my Learners Licence. Wish me luck!

How I See Myself

“To one’s enemies: “I hate myself more than you ever could.”
― Alain de Botton

You have girls these days, Obsessed with posting photos of themselves on Facebook, lapping up the attention that young boys give them, proudly being the envy of all their friends. Spending hours looking in the mirror, Snapchatting people photos of their face obnoxiously covering what could have been an amazing photo. Confident and friendly, they love themselves, or perhaps they only love their mask, but either way this is what society see’s and expects from these girls.

Then you have me, I hate myself. To the point I may loath myself from time to time. I won’t stare in the mirror, I hate the face that looks back. I won’t always Snapchat photo’s of myself, because I would hate for people to see how ugly I am. I do not Facebook photos of myself and I hate cameras. I am not confident, I am constantly comparing myself to others.

I am short and stupid looking, with puffy wavy hair which not even my friends like. Dull uninteresting eyes and a body which I feel sorry that people have to look at.

I have day’s where I just want to curl up and cry, they are all so much prettier, smarter, more confident than I will ever be.

It was one of those days today, I spent at least half of my day in tears, hiding away at the pool area where no one will find me.

No one needs to see how much I hate myself, no one needs to bare witness to that. So I will hide away and cry my tears, I will force myself to look in the mirror, even if i wish to break it.

I will put on a smile and endure the insults of that day, I will fake it all.

Because you have to take it one step at a time, if you ever want to see the next day.

Taking On Others Sadness

“for there is nothing heavier than compassion. Not even one’s own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone, for someone, a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes.”
― Milan KunderaThe Unbearable Lightness of Being

People come to me, people on group chats, strangers, friends, close friends and they tell me their sad stories, they get it off their chests and i try my hardest to take away the pain they feel.

It takes allot of energy though, but I feel that I need to help them. Like I have too, I care for people too much  and when I take away their pain I begin to carry the burden myself. The more I know they person the harder the burden is.

I’m not quite sure why i’m writing this, to the normal eye this probably makes zero sense, but I am in a trance right now, I just took on two other great friends sad tales. No matter how small the issue is I take it on.

It is not healthy. I shouldn’t do it. But I do. And I can’t stop it.

Grade 11 And The Future

Just warning this is a ramble post.

Wow, only 2 years to go and then i’m out. Wow.

Though most would be excited and over joyed by the fact that in 2 short years they will never have to see school again, i’m scared as hell. In two short years I will have had to develop the skills needed to fend for myself in the big world.

As I will be moving away from this crappy ass town to study at University, I will need to have the skills and knowledge to get through all the challenges that I will face in the big smoke.

Luckily I have friends down where I am planning to go, it will most likely make the tasks easier. Still does not dull the fear that I am going to screw up big time, and knowing my luck it will be bad.

This year and the following year to come I plan to get my blue card (allows me to look after and care for children),  study to becoming a fitness trainer (only 32 week course part time), eventually do a SAT in Hospitality (Increases my chances of work at University) and complete my SAT in Legal Receptionist.

It sounds like allot of work, and it is, but I would rather be busy than bored as hell with nothing to do.

Also since I am only allowed to apply when I am 18, if in the future i still plan on becoming a lawyer I will be studying to become a Justice of The Peace, which allows me to do many things in a legal office.

I guess this whole post was just a way for me to sort out what is going on as if things continue to be bad I might have to speed things up. And grab the blue card by the end of the year to allow me to become a home stay nanny.

“…and when one of them meets the other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy and one will not be out of the other’s sight, as I may say, even for a moment…”
― PlatoThe Symposium

Traditional New Year Goals

“A year from now you may wish you had started today.”
― Karen Lamb

So following the traditional check list for a new year, it is time to set some goals for this coming 2014, and you know. Actually do them this time.

  1. Fix my sleeping and eating patterns (Boyfriend will love this one)
  2. Obtain or start the study for a Certificate in Legal Receptionist, Personal Training and Fitness and Hospitality.
  3. Volunteer
  4. A’s and B’s in school (Going to have to study my ass off for that one)
  5. Expand my vocabulary
  6. Get my Mental health sorted
  7. Create the back up plan for leaving home

So that is most of mine…I think. Mainly I need to expand my English and vocabulary skill. I can’t go into grade 11 with the talent (or rather no talent) that i posses currently.

Anyway, till next time.